So I have reached that stage. The stage that everyone in their life has probably experienced at some point in their lives. I have reached the stage where I am confused and am having a crisis. I am trying to figure out if Special Education emphasis in EBD is the right thing for me. At the present moment, everyone whom I have asked "what will I be teaching in an EBD classroom?" have told me, "um..." Will I even be teaching students with EBD?
It all started on Tuesday when I found out that I was kicked out of the classroom which I had previously been put into. It was a fourth grade classroom, and it was an amazing experience working with those students. Because I had a teacher in fourth grade who changed my life, and I wanted to be that for the kids. But now, because I was not dressed professionally, I cannot have the chance to help change their lives.
To you, the issue of clothing in the classroom probably isn't that big of a deal. For me, though, it is. I am not comfortable in "professional clothes," and if I am uncomfortable, I will not be able to help the students. I also do not have the guts to wear professional clothes because in my 20 years of living on this earth, I have yet to experience any professional clothes that actually looked good on me. Instead, they all are disturbingly tight, and few and far between. I am a big guy, try walking into a JC Penny store and having to go straight to the big and tall man section and the clothes even there not fitting.
The most frustrating thing is that if the teacher whom I am working with does not like how I dress, I can get kicked out of the class. I have no say, I have no second chance, I'm just kicked out of the classroom. So, if the teacher or someone else who works in the school complains about me, BAM! I am kicked out of the school. So, what is the point of even going into a school and getting to know the students and them getting to know me. Helping the students realize that they can trust me, and that I can trust them. But then, BAM! I am kicked out of the school. How is that going to help them trust anything in this world? If they trust someone who is subsequently kicked out of the classroom, they may look at the school as kicking them out.
Now I have to decide if I am going to sign this new contract. I really don't know if I am going to do it. Because I could just get kicked out again and then become part of what I want to change in the education system. I want to change the education system by showing students that I am not there to get a paycheck, I am there to help them, help them become the best human being that they can be. But, there has to be trust between the students and I, and how can I have any trust when I am going to be just kicked out of the classroom as soon as I connect with the students.
That brings to mind the real reason that I am going through this crisis, in getting kicked out of the 4th grade classroom, I feel that I have betrayed those students. I got to know them, I got to trust them in only a week and a half, and they got to know me, began to trust me, and now I'm gone. I have helped the education system fail them by making them not trust the education system, and subsequently, anyone. And that is NOT acceptable, to fail a student personally.
So, I have some thinking to do, I have until Wednesday to decide whether I am going to stay in Special Education or not. Decisions, decisions.
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